Are you investing in your marriage?

I've recently watched the marriage of people close to me head toward divorce for the first time in my life. I realize that I'm very fortunate that it took me until 30 to witness divorce and am still praying that this one won't end that way. It's been short and fast, and really, I've found it more difficult to deal with than a loved one's death.

With divorce, there is no finite end in this world, signed papers or not. It's harder to explain to children why so-and-so won't be around anymore if they're leaving than dying. (Still haven't figured out how to approach this.)

There are accepted things to say to someone when they've lost a loved one to death, I'm not familiar with what you tell someone when someone else turns their world upside down.

Divorce is not something to be taken lightly or as a joke, as some TV shows or magazines would lead you to believe.

So for those married, or thinking about marriage, never forget that a marriage is a living thing. No matter how long you've been married it needs a lot of attention, nurturing and work. A marriage isn't simply the effect of a wedding ceremony.

My wife and I have worked hard on ours,  especially over the past few years. I wanted to share a list of resources we've found helpful over the years.

Books

The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts by Gary D. Chapman:

Photo Source: Barnes & Noble

I think most people have at least heard of this book. I had heard about it a long time ago but never read it. My wife had read it a long time ago but had kind of lost touch with it. We each read it last year and we were amazed at the differences it made.

Her love language is pretty obvious, so we both knew that going in. What I didn't understand was how to speak it. I'm still working on it, but I have a better understanding of what she's looking for now and am able to use it to better show her love.

We both thought we knew my love language as well, but it turns out we were both way off. Mine ended up being something I didn't even consider before hand.


Both of our love languages are towards the bottom of the other's rankings so it takes a lot of work to remember to give the other what they need. But the first step is knowing what they are. 

Knowing your spouse's love language keeps you from wasting time, spending money, and getting frustrated about things that don't even matter to your spouse. You might think they do because it would matter to you, but your spouse in most cases doesn't speak the same language and doesn't get what you're doing. If you're married or in a relationship, you need to read this book. 


Love and Respect by Dr Emerson Eggerichs

Photo Source: Barnes & Noble

We did this book as a small group study and are very grateful that we did. 


Ephesians 5:33 says, However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband. This book explains the why and the how about this verse (and others related to it). 


Love and Respect gave a definition, a plan and an end to what ended up being a central issue in our marriage. Two or three years removed from reading the book we don't necessarily use the terminology that Dr. Eggerichs uses, but we definitely still know the concept and realize when we're falling into what he calls "The Crazy Cycle." 


While we're still not perfect in this regard, the wisdom in this book has saved us a lot of greif over the past few years because we realize when we're falling into the traps we set up for ourselves.


Blogs / Websites


The Generous Husband / The Generous Wife / The Marriage Bed /


I put these three together because they're done by the same people, Paul and Lori Byerly. Paul and Lori have been through a lot in their lives and their marriage (marriages for Lori) and they've made their life work and mission to help others have the the type of marriage that God designed.

The Generous Husband and Wife are daily (yes, daily) blogs written by Paul and Lori respectively. They cover a multitude of topics and sometimes do series. They time and dedication they put into writing these is incredible. I truly recommend subscribing to whichever applies to you and I also recommend peaking at what you're spouse is getting, too. :-)

The Marriage Bed is a extensive resource site related to, well, that marriage bed. They cover everything from basics, to biology, to common issues, to intimacy. If you have any questions about how God designed intimacy and sex in marriage, it's a good resource to check out.

The Byerlys have a wonderful ministry and I'm sure they have many things that can help your marriage.

Mystery32

I'm not sure how long Erin Baxter's blog has been around, but I've only become familiar with it recently. Erin offers insightful, practical advice for everyday life in marriage. I enjoy her writing style and how she makes things couples tend to make complicated rather simple.

To Love, Honor and Vacuum

This blog, by author Sheila Wray Gregorie, is generally written for women; however a lot of her content applies to husbands as well. Shelia has a way of making the crazy in life make sense.

There are many fantastic marriage related blogs out there, I'm not going to go into all of them. Many found here or over on the sidebar on my blog list. Explore them, see which ones have content and writing that meets your needs.

Twitter

The only thing that has kept me on Twitter has been the access to fantastic marriage advice. I follow others, but the thing I go straight to is my Marriage and Family list. (I hope that link works.) There's a lot of fantastic people out there trying to help marriages improve all over the world.


Once you understand how a marriage is designed to work, you realize a lot of the things you spend your time on--arguing, fuming, acting out over--are a waste. The important thing is that you admit that as a newlywed, or even as an oldlywed, you don't know everything about marriage and you can always improve.

Spend time investing in your marriage. It's worth it!